I don't wish I was 17 again.. (haha)

A confession.  A resolution.  A look back.  A look forward.

(And yes, I switch between first person and second person and third whenever I feel necessary).

This year has been a small rollercoaster of a ride.  I have learned that loving someone else is easy work.  Roughly speaking.  (see friend paragraphs below).  Loving yourself, not quite as easy.  I will easily admit that it is hard but this past year has made significant improvement on the issue. I truly found my voice this year and I think many of my friends have also done the same.  By doing this, I have started to trust myself or so I am told.  (I guess it means I am growing up, finding my niche in life, etc etc).  I have also started to learn who I am and what life is but more especially what my life is about.  Who is important.  What is important.  How to decipher people and more especially, emotion.  But, also what is just trivial bullshit.  I learned to say the things that I needed to say, to keep myself true to myself, even though sometimes it made me feel incredibly like a low loser.  And I apologize again to those have felt my unfortunate but needed wrath.  (Especially to Greg for me ruining a favorite holiday).  But going back, trusting and believing in yourself whether or not you stand out of the crowd is needed in life. 

I  have learned a lot about life, it seems, yet no where near as much as I will know at some point.  I have experienced a lot in just a year, too.  (California, better stronger friendships, two crushes other than Justin which is now no longer my foremost fantasy, the hardcore lack of a boyfriend, and some great memories, for example).   The thing however that I am most proud of this year is building my new family and by that I mean finding my true friends since it has truly been an emotional yet memorable year for all of us.  The many memories hopefully with be the building blocks of a great family (in the Sex and the City style, of course).  And even though they think I sometimes don't put them first or think I don't care, they always are my first priority and they always will be, in the end.  Being away and without them, for something special like New Years or a birthday, is unbelievably shitty but I hope you know (and I will be forced to beat this into you if you don't) that I love every one of you equally.  But as my confession, I am constantly forced to choose between you.  And it is terribly hard to do.  To choose between a constant yet dim love, an incredibly mentor and friendship, and the boys who mean my life.  I hope you never feel that I am ever truly gone or never doubt how much you three mean to me.   I love and cherish you dearly and know that you can instantly vanish.  Friendships, like life and love, are not easy but ones that mean more are even more so. 

As I have started to learn, being honest and true to yourself is always key even if it means hurting the ones you love.  In the end hopefully, we will all understand and be stronger for it.  I intend to throw myself back into my painting instead of the constant waste of time I now experience.   I intend to start Baptiste Yoga which is a fabulously fantastic workout for your body and soul.  Especially for my body build supposedly.  Ashtanga here I come.  And, I plan to ease off the bad things in life.  (no need to say what those specifically are, haha).  At this point of the year, I have learned that life is about "change."  And change is sometimes a fucking bitch and terribly hard to deal with.  But it is what you choose to make with those changing moments that is important. 

"Life conspires to give us what we need, but it always maintains that middle ground. There is no right decision. Simply the decision you make. We always find a way to walk away with what we need. And sometimes what we need actually is what we want, whether we see it at first or not."

• Happy New Year.  (and bring it on!)
  
• Love, Frank :)

Comments

[Greg]

Slap me if this gets too sappy! Love you Frank--2005 is going to be a great year! Thanks for such a thoughtful posting. As far as resolutions go, I already hit the gym--this queen's gotta lose ten pounds!

Your friend always, Greg :)

[Y]

Happy New Year... you continue to inspire me, no matter where I happen to be. XOXO and Thank you.