It’s hard looking to settle down with the ONE guy that’s right for you, that soul mate thing, so I’ve decided to stop looking for that ONE guy. Pure fantasy anyway. Instead, I’m looking for a part-time boyfriend. Yupe. That’s right. It’s part-time. Hey, everything sounds better when it’s part-time, right? So why not this? And if we really dig each other, or if you started sleeping around with other people, then we can talk about the possibility of you graduating from part-time to full-time boyfriend. Sounds good? Yes? Keep reading then. No? Well, keep reading as well because I’m witty and I’m going to write something funny. Who know, at the end of this posting you might want to email me something like “Holy shit dude, that’s the funniest shit I’ve seen in minutes dude!”, or something like “You must have too much free time, don’t you? If you’re that free, why don’t you go outside and save a kitten or plant a tree or ask random people if they want their nipples twisted for a fee, dumb ass!” or even something like “Hello, I know you’re gay and not interested in women, but give me one chance and I will rock your world! I have breasts the size of papaya, ass the size of honey dew, lips the size of bananas and I love eating fruits!”
So how this works? Follow me here.
We will have sex. But before we do, we have a whole shitload of things to do. First we’re gonna have to have dinner. Maybe coffee the first time, and then dinner the second time. Surely not a movie because this is ultimately a test. By the end of the dinner, you will have to have impressed me with your sense of humor, or you maturity, or your smile, or your way of thinking, or your tattoos, or your piercing blue/green/grey/red/purple/black/it-changes-colors-according-to-how-constipated-you-are eyes, or your hot hot body, or your feeling of security, or your sexy lips, or your wit, or your passion for something other than politics, work, or religions, or your weirdness, or your hair, or the way you make me feel, or your good looks, or your obsession with culture, or your well traveled mind, etc etc.
There WILL be spooning afterwards. No spooning, no sex. Period. And
no snoring please. Otherwise I’ll squeeze your balls and pull your
pubes until you stop. I do grind my teeth in my sleep sometimes and I am usually hard for most of the night, so you can grind
your teeth as well. As for the erection, we will see about it.
Since you’ll be spooning me, you’re so very welcomed to spend the
night. I’ll set my alarm so that we can have another orgasm before I
have to go to school or before you have to go to work/school/back to
your wife. I’m just kidding. No married man please. That is just wrong.
Now that we’ve had the most important thing covered, let’s move on to something else.
I am very busy with work and painting. So I will not have much free time to do
what a full-time boyfriend should do during work. Things like cook
for you, water your lawn, talk on the phone about nothing for hours
will be very scarce. We don’t even have to do things together all the
time. I do always have time to shower together to save water, or call
you every night before I go to bed to kiss you good night, or remind
you to pick up your dry cleaning and call your mother, or make you feel
like you’re the biggest man in the world, or listen to you when you’re
upset, or be there for you if you needed me. Above all else, I always
have time to get drunk and get high, even on work night. In other
words, I’ll be there for you if you need/want me to, and I hope you can
reciprocate that. Oh yah, back to the painting, I paint, oils, abstract, emotional. Yah, I know people dig artists. I do too.
Now, if after sometime we still dig each other, or if you started sleeping with other guys and I started feeling jealous about it, then we’ll sit down face to face, in an fascist-like office, on each side of the table and discuss the option of promoting you to full-time boyfriend. We will discuss the raise, something like from 1 dinner, 4 blow jobs and 4 anal sex to 2 dinner, including 1 homemade meal (my home cooked italian kick ass! seriously), 1 movie, 1 walking around holding hands, 2 going to the bars, unlimited blow jobs and unlimited anal sex. I’ll even throw in doing your laundry and walk your dog if I have to.
Sounds good? Shoot me an email then. I promise you I’m not fat, not a convict, not a killer, not a sociopath, not a woman, not stupid, not insensitive, not dull, not evil (maybe sometimes), not sloppy, not crazy, not a slut, not selfish, not fake, not ugly and not an alien waiting to kidnap you and sodomize you.
Did I mention I love guys with a shaved head?
Seriously, your method should be implemented on all personal ads.
And yes, this is the funniest shit I've read in minutes.
Posted by: Kaiser Dämmerung | February 06, 2006 at 08:55 PM
as much as i would prefer to reply with category 3 (lips the size of bananas and love eating fruits) because that is my favorite part, to be honest i would find myself in category 1, funniest thing i've read in minutes. cheers.
Posted by: the austrogoth | February 05, 2006 at 05:50 PM
Does this mean I have to shave my head?
Posted by: Alan | February 04, 2006 at 01:46 PM
Sounds like a hoot.
I guess a long distance "part-timer" is out of the question?
... :P
Posted by: Sj | February 03, 2006 at 01:03 PM