Summing Up

Human Relationships Don't Work which is why I want to bring back my "about me" article I once posted, which follows after my ranting.  It turns out that everything is fine but I am caught up in some messes that seem beyond my control somehow.  When I was in a relationship, I used to think I could never do without one.  Now, I nearly believe I can never get into one again.  Okay, so maybe I am overreacting a tad bit but.. they are so much work, boys are so much work, relationships are so much work, people are so much work.  lol, For the most noticeable time in my life, I have been incredibly excited to be single, excitedly happy and calm with and in my life, feeling healthy and great, and mainly just confident with being myself.  I wouldn't think that this is a hard thing to do but Christ, it certainly seems to be a step in ones life and some are certainly not there.  It certainly seems that I am a lot more attractive when I am in this mode rather than the fawning puppy dog on a leash that I once was but all I have to say is that I owe this to THERAPY.  I wish I could hand out cards to people, especially boys, to sit and see a therapist.  It works.  Really.  As does the book I just finished last night called Hardcore Zen, which like the Brasil cruise, CHANGED my life.

WHAT I WANT?  Read On:

 

It’s hard looking to settle down with the ONE guy that’s right for you, that soul mate thing, so I’ve decided to stop looking for that ONE guy. Pure fantasy anyway. Instead, I’m looking for a part-time boyfriend. Yupe. That’s right. It’s part-time. Hey, everything sounds better when it’s part-time, right? So why not this? And if we really dig each other, or if you started sleeping around with other people, then we can talk about the possibility of you graduating from part-time to full-time boyfriend. Sounds good? Yes? Keep reading then. No? Well, keep reading as well because I’m witty and I’m going to write something funny. Who know, at the end of this posting you might want to email me something like “Holy shit dude, that’s the funniest shit I’ve seen in minutes dude!”, or something like “You must have too much free time, don’t you? If you’re that free, why don’t you go outside and save a kitten or plant a tree or ask random people if they want their nipples twisted for a fee, dumb ass!” or even something like “Hello, I know you’re gay and not interested in women, but give me one chance and I will rock your world! I have breasts the size of papaya, ass the size of honey dew, lips the size of bananas and I love eating fruits!”

So how this works? Follow me here.

We will have sex. But before we do, we have a whole shitload of things to do. First we’re gonna have to have dinner. Maybe coffee the first time, and then dinner the second time. Surely not a movie because this is ultimately a test. By the end of the dinner, you will have to have impressed me with your sense of humor, or you maturity, or your smile, or your way of thinking, or your tattoos, or your piercing blue/green/grey/red/purple/black/it-changes-colors-according-to-how
-constipated-you-are eyes, or your hot hot body, or your feeling of security, or your sexy lips, or your wit, or your passion for something other than politics, work, or religions, or your weirdness, or your hair, or the way you make me feel, or your good looks, or your obsession with culture, or your well traveled mind, etc etc.

There WILL be spooning after wards. No spooning, no sex. Period. And no snoring please. Otherwise I’ll squeeze your balls and pull your pubes until you stop. I do grind my teeth in my sleep sometimes and I am usually hard for most of the night, so you can grind your teeth as well. As for the erection, we will see about it.

Since you’ll be spooning me, you’re so very welcomed to spend the night. I’ll set my alarm so that we can have another orgasm before I have to go to school or before you have to go to work/school/back to your wife. I’m just kidding. No married man please. That is just wrong.

Now that we’ve had the most important thing covered, let’s move on to something else.

I am very busy with work and painting. So I will not have much free time to do what a full-time boyfriend should do during work. Things like cook for you, water your lawn, talk on the phone about nothing for hours will be very scarce. We don’t even have to do things together all the time. I do always have time to shower together to save water, or call you every night before I go to bed to kiss you good night, or remind you to pick up your dry cleaning and call your mother, or make you feel like you’re the biggest man in the world, or listen to you when you’re upset, or be there for you if you needed me. Above all else, I always have time to get drunk and get high, even on work night. In other words, I’ll be there for you if you need/want me to, and I hope you can reciprocate that. Oh yah, back to the painting, I paint, oils, abstract, emotional. Yah, I know people dig artists. I do too.

Now, if after sometime we still dig each other, or if you started sleeping with other guys and I started feeling jealous about it, then we’ll sit down face to face, in an fascist-like office, on each side of the table and discuss the option of promoting you to full-time boyfriend. We will discuss the raise, something like from 1 dinner, 4 blow jobs and 4 anal sex to 2 dinner, including 1 homemade meal (my home cooked italian kick ass! seriously), 1 movie, 1 walking around holding hands, 2 going to the bars, unlimited blow jobs and unlimited anal sex. I’ll even throw in doing your laundry and walk your dog if I have to.

Sounds good? Shoot me an email then. I promise you I’m not fat, not a convict, not a killer, not a sociopath, not a woman, not stupid, not insensitive, not dull, not evil (maybe sometimes), not sloppy, not crazy, not a slut, not selfish, not fake, not ugly and not an alien waiting to kidnap you and sodomize you.

Did I mention I love guys with a shaved head?

Comments

[stevie]

I guess the problem in the gay world is that in the end we always feel rejected again, and then give up. I saw it happening time after time, relationship after relationship. I watched the other, and myself and somehow I started to go under in a nagging feeling that I was the rejected one, whereas I could easily see that I wasn't that nice either. I don't like it, I fight it, therapy taught me a lot, but somehow it pops up again and again. I just kinda believe that a nice cool boy cannot really like me for ever. High school all over again. Well, the alternatives are known: boyfriend hopping, or worse (though it can be fun for a while,and well, I am good at it). In the end, I just have to keep fighting this childish feeling however, or resign, and live my life anyway, albeit less perfect than it should be. There are enough great days when it all feels worthwhile.

[Evan]

Do you really believe that...

..."human relationships don't work"? Now, I may be playing the proverbial "devils advocate" here or I may be begging the question because your post struck something somewhat deep within me that I feel that we're kindred spirits on: the volatile nature of human interaction.

Voltaire queried, " We live in the best of all, best of all possible worlds and what more could possibly be better?" I said that to someone a couple of weeks ago and got in a knock down, drag out, heated conversation about what it meant. Most people tend to be flummoxed by that line of thinking because they relate it to the world in generalized terms. Moreover, for the shallow majority, unwilling to search for further meaning in anything which isn't cloaked in the empirical truth of cleaver marketing or "The Year in Pictures", I can see where this would prove itself daunting logic, scary even. For there isn't much in our world today which could substantiate the claim that it is the "..best of all, best of all possible.." and if there is an antidote for the poison both Bush dynasties have and will continue to inflict upon us, I know they've yet to find it.

So, yes, if we pick and poke at the surface of the topics at hand, I would agree with you that "human relationships don't work" and that the world we live in is far from the "best of all possible". But, being a writer, and therefore an idiot. I'm never satisfied with just letting the surface be, I've got to pick at the scab until I'm certain there's sufficient blood flow to make me realize just how alive I am and just what, if anything, lies beneath the surface.

I was at once, amazed, shocked even, by your position on relationships. Now, I make not the bold assumption to even pretend that I know you well enough to provide comment on your past. As I see it, your past is none of my business unless you so choose to share it with me. Being somewhat of a new "relationship" in your life, it does however give me pause to think about what you've said and am left with a whole list of questions: Who hurt him? , What is his damage? Where did he pick up this baggage? When did this happen? How could he let this happen to himself? Why is he afraid to try again? Now, luckily for you, I, as stated before, am not bothered with your past and seek not their answers. Those answers are yours, singularly yours and no one but yourself is deserving of them.

Now, here's where it gets tricky: If you truly believe that they don't work am I, or anyone interested in you, in any capacity, not to be shown the courtesy of the answers to questions such as these: Who is he to pass judgement on peoples ability to maintain a relationship? What is it going to take to get him to see beyond the past and into a future peopled with love, care, respect and support? Where is his heart? When will he realize that that he may be right about relationships but find the courage to prove himself wrong? How can someone so passionate stop trying? Why bother with him?

You've got this light about you, color really. It burns white hot with searing passion behind those dark eyes of yours. From what I know or understand, I find your comment contradictory of yourself and am going to call you on it. Yes, we're probably going to have to agree to disagree here, but I don't buy for one moment that you truly believe that human relationships don't work. We had this conversation on Saturday night and I'm sticking to my story that: yes, maybe they don't work but that doesn't mean we should stop trying. Furthermore, relationships would have a lot easier time growing into their own without so many presets in terms of how many, how much and how often. When did it stop being okay just being two people who care about one another and seeing where life takes them? And, yes, I do believe that they should come marked with an expiration date. It would just make things less messy.

Frank, I know not by what happenstance our lives have come together. Of what I do know is this: it feels right, and I truly believe that if we allow ourselves the time to know each other completely, we may learn a great deal about ourselves, love, life and how to live it to the fullest.

[Chad]

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion