left brain

not alone on this front

wow, there are many times when I feel like I am the only one who doesn't understand my friends, or why I keep feeling frustrated in trying to get them to understand me, or why we fight so much.  but, it seems lately that I have fixed that mess and life is better.   I guess.  anyways, this boy's comments really hit hard and seemed ever so real.  and I just discovered his blog so you should too.

stop touching my food..

Oh, my god.

Oh my fucking god.

You know who you are...don't ever, ever, EVER call me again. You have destroyed any shred of trust I had in you. How dare you lie to me. Best of luck to you and your fucking crazy train.

Good riddance.

UPDATE

Wow...rereading that, I sure sound a bit melodramatic, don't I? Well, I was pissed when I wrote that. I was hurt. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.

And the tummy full of cocktails only added to the drama. Vodka drama=an ugly mess.

However, I've had a day to mull over it...and to reflect upon what happened. I'm not going to get into it, other than to say someone I was good friends with, someone I trusted and loved, looked right into my eyes and lied to me not 3 days ago when I took him out to lunch. The ironic thing is I really didn't give two shits about what he was lying about; the fact that he lied to me, subsequently destroying my trust in him, is what I found so painful. Especially since this is the second time in 3 months someone I've loved dearly looked right into my eyes and lied to me.

Sigh...life goes on...the sun will rise tomorrow, and a new day shall begin. Like I've said before, this too, shall pass.

Next time, I need to simply walk away from my computer, and shut off my cellphone before I end up doing something really stupid.

Again.

I'll tell you what though, the friends I do trust have helped me through this, and kept me from thinking too much about it. Daigle promised he'd be cordial if he ever ran into the person in question. You never know what that boy will do to someone who hurts me...he's like a pitbull sometimes.

Gemini, like me ;)

From [email protected]:  I agree with thise sex wise however it is mostly sex-boy-gay based which is good and mostly right (especially with the detailed sex things).  haha.. yes, I am a gemini!

Ever wanted to fuck Peter Pan? Now's your chance! *(and yes, Peter Pan was gay. For god's sake, his best friend was a faerie and he spent all his time with the "boys".) Gemini has a youthful vigor about them and if you're looking for a break from the humdrum and predictable (and sometimes stable) then Gemini is for you. The sign for Gemini is the twins. With Gemini you could be getting two partners for the price of one -all in one trim, youthful package!

They are the fist air sign and embody raw, unfiltered knowledge. They can hold their own in a party and crack a joke faster than you can say "egregious coquetry".

There seem to be two kinds of Gemini: 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Gemini 1: { TACTIC #1 } "Mental Lubrication"

Regardless, every Gemini's biggest sexual organ is their brain. If you can engage one in a battle of puns and sexual entendres, WHILE NOT BEING VULGAR, then you've gotten them interested and ready to go. Scan for bulges. Geminis will make sexual innuendos and jokes and will be impressed if you can catch them at it and match their game. To them this means you can match them in bed.

You will know the game is afoot when you see a sparkle in their eye and a smile they are trying to surpress. The longer you can draw out the mental foreplay, the hotter they will be. If they don't touch you first, make your move when the time comes -like a hearty laugh, or a shift in the group's dynamics (because I guarantee you, they'll be with a group).

Their imaginations are your biggest asset.  A certain someone (whom I will allow to identify HIMSELF) was not flirting with said Gemini, but nevertheless fell into Tactic #1 by accident.

[Gemini] "Why is he so interested in you?"
[Mr. X] "Because he's a size queen."
[Gemini] "..oh..  ..OOOHH!!!...  I have never been more attracted to you!"

If you want a Gemini, use their imaginations to your benefit. 

Even if you're not their type, you still have a chance. Every Gemini has a huge propensity for curiosity and many will admit to fucking at least one person just out of curiosity. This sub-tactic will depend on the situation, what you know about them and what you can bring to the table. DO NOT BLUFF: Even if you're bluffing, once they're at your place, chances are they'll follow through because now it's a question of simple mechanics. But this, however, means that you will not get a second date and will most likely be the subject of scandalous and unflattering gossip.

Gemini 1:  { TACTIC #2 } "'Carpe Diem'; sieze their day while it's hard"

A Gemini can get into the mood in a heartbeat... but can move on just as quickly. If your Gemini is ready, GO FOR IT NOW! IMMEDIATELY! Know all the secluded spots in your area because you may not have enough time to get home before they get distracted or their mind moves on. Remember; it's their brain that you have to keep erect. Know the sheds, dark parking lots, alleyways, large shrubs and private bathrooms in your area. Your Gemini will find this fun and exciting to boot.  

This also works when YOU'RE horny. Call them up. They're always up for a quicky and unlike earth signs, find absolute spontenaety to be an aphrodisiac!

Gemini 1 or 2: { TACTIC #3 } "IMUrF/B-2nite"

Gemini is all about communication and use their IM and celphones extensively. Flirt online (see Tactic #1). OR engage them in a text-msg conversation charged with entendres. It doesn't matter when -in fact sometimes the more inappropriate the better; at the opera or a meeting... when they're at dinner with coworkers... Just make sure they aren't driving because they will crash or run someone over and then the cops will question you for 3 hours.

Bottom Line: Gemini's are addicted to their communication devices and have a weakness for surprise tactics and sexual puns. Use all of them at once!

Gemini 2: { TACTIC #4 } "Declaration of Debriefing"

The key here is to get your Gemini's attention. The problem with Gemini 2's is that they are too distracted to pay enough attention to your lure, or are over analyzing everything to the point where they have several conflicting hypotheses for every statement you make. Here, you have to be clear.

[G2] "so what are you doing afterwards?"
[U] "...you."

Once you have their attention, proceed with any of the afore-mentioned tactics.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

If you're looking for a fling with someone who won't have the time or earnestness to feel guilty about it, try Gemini. Gemini's hate rules so toss yours out. They bore Gemini. Don't say "I don't have sex on the first date" or "I only fuck on the bed" or "I'm only a top". Play it by ear... or cock, in this case.

Sex for a Gemini is just plain fun. They are playing.. WEEEE!!!! Therefore, you have to be fun to play with. To even interest a Gemini in the first place, be lively, fun, charismatic and unpredictable. Never appear boring or stodgy. During sex, every Gemini loves variety so keep it changing. Keep the sex interesting and variable. The easiest way this can be done is with venue changes. If the bathroom / parking lot / car is out of the question, try everywhere in the apartment but the bed. Be spontaneous. Change positions often. They'll tell you what they want and you should be willing to do the same. I've noticed that Gemini's aren't good at reading what you want without you telling them.... and they appreciate the input.

Gemini needs visual stimulation. Use subdued lighting, and situate a mirror so they can watch the sex they are partaking in. Also, remember that they get distracted easily -especially Gemini 2's... Turn off the ringer, TV, maybe stereo, close the drapes -delete all outside stimulation to minimize distraction.

Most Gemini's I've slept with bookend the sex with conversation. They are NOT ones to roll over and go to sleep. Some Gemini's are the kind to fuck and run, and often don't mind if you do the same. They make wonderful Fuck-Buddies becuase of the inherant spontenaity, lack of restrictions, and absense of expectations invloved. All this makes for fun, fun, fun as far as a Gemini is concerned.

Also, most Gemini's I've met have less of a tolerance for body fat than others... so be trim! You don't have to be a total gym bunny, just have a low body-fat count. They run off of nervous energy, and therefore are most often quite trim themselves.

Put Up a Fence

I am becoming frustrated again with Boston.  This time in particular with the South End, the gay neighborhood, like Chelsea, Castro, the Marais, Boys Town, Italian back rooms, SoBe, etc etc.  At one point, one could say that this neighborhood was a gay ghetto but lately prices have continously rocketed skyward again making it "dreamy" to more people and out of the budget of more than a few.  Even though it is one of the most cultural, more expensive, hipper parts of the city, I am getting sick of seeing the extreme influx of straight people (sorry Mary P) into my neighborhood and the outpouring of homo's to other shit parts of the city (like Dorchester or where ever.. hell no I won't go!).  I fully understand that gays follow artists (which usually overlaps) to rundown neighborhoods to build them up to then sell them off to straight people to then move away to another rundown area but seriously.. I have no urge to move to an outer part of the city to feel at home with the homo's.  And I will still pay (through my nose if need be) for the ability to walk to whatever I do.  Back Bay (old stuck-up overpriced outdated Boston) is no longer attractive to everyone looking to buy or rent a home and the South End now seems to be the trendy neighborhood.  All fine!  Except that I am sick of having to move aside to a fucking baby carriage and its blond stay-at-home mother instead of seeing a hot blond boy fucking in the corner.

Clearly other people in the world have issues with their gay neighborhoods too.   So, I want to start a guerilla warfare (so to speak) in the neighborhoods that the homo's are being pushed out.  I think we should just take part in more outdoor, exhibition-like sex, in random places if not everywhere around the South End.  Make jokes about sucking off married men or guys with girlfriends.  Have more pride rallies.  Open up more porn stores.  Gay bars.  Eros toys. Etc etc.

Don't take this the wrong way.  I am not trying to be obnoxious.  I am just trying to understand why. 

clone wars

On my walk around the ridiculously expensive shopping area of Boston with Matt, I noticed (and knowing me...pointed out) how many gay's look alike.  Like the short cropped marine haircut.  Or the slightly longer but still cropped sides haircut.  Or the faux hawk which I am sorry.. but was out awhile ago.  debatebly before it was even in.  Or the whole punk rock - indie thing.  Or the whole collar's up thing (which is only cool if you have the money, a Porsche, and are wearing Ralph Lauren not American Eagle).  Or the the last lingering Abercrombie boys who so desperately are trying to still be cool since they don't know how to dress... and are now holding on to AF for dear life.  I then start to then think of Star Wars and gay circuit parties.  haha, a confusing combo maybe but I seriously think gay's (and most people actually) start to look like clones sometimes.  And if we are all clones then why can't I have one of Justin? Or more importantly, why can't I have the power of the force?

And while I was looking for these gay party photo's, (which btw I know no one in the picture nor am making fun of them, per se), I became nauscious and hard with looking at this picture of two homo's grabbing their crotches while they romantically kiss.  Which I actually have to admit, sums up the whole scene pretty well.  But then again I am in a bitter cunt mood so.. who knows.  The pic is in the jump, if you make it.  I felt that the pic if I posted it would make my blog look trashier than it usually does.  Make the JUMP !

This City is Poetry

I am very well aware that NYC and LA are the only cities worth talking about in the United States today.  That without either of them, we wouldn't really have a country.  But some of the time my mind wanders and on a day like today it felt excited about Boston.  The city that I live in.  The most historical in the country.  (without the events that happened here who knows where we would be)  This city is history.  The great big city is a big toy made for a boy and a boy.  (okay, so I altered the words)

I randomly took a walk through the South End and Back Bay today to run some errands but I was greeted by this small hint of Spring.  The feeling that the possiblity of a lighter jacket is around the corner.  And even further, no jacket at all.  And then there was the excitement of being able to keep my windows open, and roof top BBQ's, and laying on the Charles reading a book or strolling through the Common's photographing the tulips.  But, today was a beautiful day, a good high of 44 degree's (hey, it feels warm to us at this point and I am not being sarcastic), no wind, and no clouds in the sky.  It was a sure sign of the end of our ungodly winter.  It made me think of how much I truly cherished this city when I first moved here.  The walks around random neighborhoods not knowing where I was.  The first glimpes of the Hancock or the Financial District still give me goosebumps.  But, today.. it was seeing the city from the new Bunker bridge (a product of the Big Dig, near over) and then seeing the tourists starting to slightly pack Fanueil Hall.  And then I zoned out again as I was driving the Rubicon ;) to my first trips ever to Boston when I was a little tot in elementary school.  Being so aww'd by the Freedom Trail, the Patriots (the real ones not the football team), the Revolution, the history, the Constitution, the Adam's!

Or maybe it is just that I am finding some happiness in Boston again.  It could be the good things happening in my life or it could be the city and the possibility of its beauty in Spring.  But in either case, I am still in love with this city. 

2 Good Guys

This past weekend has been weird yet great.  I got the chance to hang out with two great boys who are the best friends of Tom.  And it turns out that they are awesome and totally fun to hang out with, chill boys who are hot, entertaining, and adorable.  Boys who are genuine and real and not jaded.  Which almost seems unbelievable with gay boys. They also turn out to be one of the only couples that I have ever met that you can actually see the amount of caring between them.  The amount of love.  The amount of connection.  It is just so cute.  And, they get hard over Star Wars.  We got to hang out all weekend and I was invited to hang out again with them (and Tom) hopefully soon at their house in CT/NYC.  It feels reassuring that I have started to see possibilites of some real relationships in my life.  I know I go back and forth about this since it seems to be a rollercoaster most of the time but the chance to hang out with two people along with one of my most favorite people met a lot to me.  Aw.

I also have to say that I have always been "ehh" about Ipod Photo (to the point that I have made rude comments) but I now have to say I am totally wanting one.  I have been in the mood to upgrade my Ipod with a newer, bigger version and I have to say that the new pricing on Ipod Photo is going to make me do it.   

I am now off to bed because I need to rest up for my big work breakfast at the Ritz.  Whoo!

friday morning muse

I have talked about this before but every Thursday I leave work an hour early to get on the local subway and head into the lovely abiding city of Cambridge, Massachusetts.  It is always a time to reflect on my past week, become excited about the weekend, and find calming in the masses moving in life.  Today was exactly one of those moments but I also got the ability to be entertained.  First, on my way to Cambridge in one of the biggest stations in Boston (ParK), I had the ability to purchase (could I get arrested for this?) any brand new movie playing in the movie theaters.  I know this is typical everyday life in NYC or Hong Kong but in Boston it's pretty rare.  As it turns out, there is nothing playing in any theater that I actually want to purchase nevermind see.  On my return trip back to Beantown, I was cruising this hot "Harvard-looking, preppy-jacket wearing, amazingly blond, ripped" "banker (i have no idea what he did but in Boston, he was most likely a banker or VC)"  when he puts his hand in his pocket and as I sit there thinking OMG he is going to stroke himself, unscrews a beer bottle and throws the cap on the floor.  Not only did I think "damnit" but I was also like "WTF is wrong with this picture."  Maybe you needed to have been there but it was pretty totally hysterically contradictory.

I've been in an emotional state lately but in a good way.  I am proud of my last few weeks and the calm I have achieved in my life.  (though I am a little worried my best friend is going to move to Florida)   It has been greatly needed it seems and I am much more calm about things now. (other than my current job status)  I think it is good for someone to every so often take a step back and be with themselves and think about their lives and others around them.  Life, relationships, yourself just let loose and become out of control and you need to understand why and how, I think.  Also, if you can't be alone, I am always the firm believer that you have some issues that need to be dealt with because (as I also believe) being alone is one of my most rewarding times for myself.  Anyway, I feel like I am speaking like I am enlightened which I unfortunately have to say, I am not.  Haha. 

Anyways.. yah.  On to the big weekend.  I found this awesome photo of a high-voltage warning sign in Tokyo here. 

new strain of holyfuckinshit!

I feel the need to speak out to you all about the new strain of HIV in NYC and what it means to the community.  But also about the media's portrayal of the entire thing.  And by media I mean the NYtimes since even though I am an avid watcher of CNN and MSNBC, I am yet to see the story on their news coverage.  Which is pathetic in itself and horrifying.  And I don't mean just a little blurb rolling across the tv screen either.  I want a some serious time spent on the issue.  The NYtimes is the only real media outlet that is carrying the story at this point, minus some gay blogs and gay media outlets.  And that is just not good enough even though they are beating the story to death.  Which is good being that the story is about a drug resistant super strain of HIV/AIDS. 

The NYtimes and most gay media outlets however have pointed at the crystal meth usage in the gay community, the circuit parties, and recreational users about how all of the "partying" leads to unsafe sex and is one of the leading causes and serious concerns of this new strain of HIV.  (which is resistant to all drugs at this point and quickly brings you if HIV positive to AIDS in a few months)  Even though I think the gay community is facing its own battle with the "partying" scene, I don't think it is the leading concern at this point on why there is some new strain of HIV.  I think the concern, which I have talked about before on my blog, is that a large portion of the gay community seems to care less about HIV at this point.  I am not just speaking of 19yo's (however they are certainly among this crowd) but also up to 30 something year olds and slightly older.  The Times quoting people saying, "I will just take the drugs," unfortunately doesn't sound to foreign to me.  I am not being age-ist here but I think a lot of the community has forgotten the horrific impacts of HIV and AIDS.  And, I am honestly, tired of the whole "pointing fingers" within the community and outside of it.  Some case points that I feel I should make.  I have met at least a handful more like two handfuls of boys who have without questions or raising concerns (or honestly any sentence) attemped to fuck bare, swallow, get swallowed, or get fucked bare.  All of these are on different occasions, some partying, most not, some guys were my age, some were not; all of which is the even more the horrifying part of the story.  Why is it that kids my age have totally forgotten about this huge health crisis?  And furthermore, why is it that guys (since some of these moments were not right around my age) have also forgot about it or not care about it or whatever the fuck there issue is?  I can get the idea that bare sex is hotter but seriously folks.. on a random hookup.. it is suicide.  And when I have a moment where you try to take the unsafe sex route, I am totally turned off from you being next to me.  I am not trying to be harsh, I am trying to be realistic. 

What is GOING ON !? 

one way plane ticket

It was needed.  Christiano already got boring to me.  He will come back soon, I am sure.  Until then, Welcome to California.  (Summer warmth is needed at this moment).  And the decisions have been made.  Massachusetts is a state that is losing population because people can't afford to buy Ramen noodles once they purchase their beemer and their multi-million dollar condo.  Yet they still keep the mindset socially of some conservative Puritan. (though the state usually changes in the nation first).  I am telling you...  there is a reason why windows lock in financial district skyscrapers.  Because the beemer and the condo will not satisfy forever.  Some cool pics of the new life:

I don't wish I was 17 again.. (haha)

A confession.  A resolution.  A look back.  A look forward.

(And yes, I switch between first person and second person and third whenever I feel necessary).

This year has been a small rollercoaster of a ride.  I have learned that loving someone else is easy work.  Roughly speaking.  (see friend paragraphs below).  Loving yourself, not quite as easy.  I will easily admit that it is hard but this past year has made significant improvement on the issue. I truly found my voice this year and I think many of my friends have also done the same.  By doing this, I have started to trust myself or so I am told.  (I guess it means I am growing up, finding my niche in life, etc etc).  I have also started to learn who I am and what life is but more especially what my life is about.  Who is important.  What is important.  How to decipher people and more especially, emotion.  But, also what is just trivial bullshit.  I learned to say the things that I needed to say, to keep myself true to myself, even though sometimes it made me feel incredibly like a low loser.  And I apologize again to those have felt my unfortunate but needed wrath.  (Especially to Greg for me ruining a favorite holiday).  But going back, trusting and believing in yourself whether or not you stand out of the crowd is needed in life. 

I  have learned a lot about life, it seems, yet no where near as much as I will know at some point.  I have experienced a lot in just a year, too.  (California, better stronger friendships, two crushes other than Justin which is now no longer my foremost fantasy, the hardcore lack of a boyfriend, and some great memories, for example).   The thing however that I am most proud of this year is building my new family and by that I mean finding my true friends since it has truly been an emotional yet memorable year for all of us.  The many memories hopefully with be the building blocks of a great family (in the Sex and the City style, of course).  And even though they think I sometimes don't put them first or think I don't care, they always are my first priority and they always will be, in the end.  Being away and without them, for something special like New Years or a birthday, is unbelievably shitty but I hope you know (and I will be forced to beat this into you if you don't) that I love every one of you equally.  But as my confession, I am constantly forced to choose between you.  And it is terribly hard to do.  To choose between a constant yet dim love, an incredibly mentor and friendship, and the boys who mean my life.  I hope you never feel that I am ever truly gone or never doubt how much you three mean to me.   I love and cherish you dearly and know that you can instantly vanish.  Friendships, like life and love, are not easy but ones that mean more are even more so. 

As I have started to learn, being honest and true to yourself is always key even if it means hurting the ones you love.  In the end hopefully, we will all understand and be stronger for it.  I intend to throw myself back into my painting instead of the constant waste of time I now experience.   I intend to start Baptiste Yoga which is a fabulously fantastic workout for your body and soul.  Especially for my body build supposedly.  Ashtanga here I come.  And, I plan to ease off the bad things in life.  (no need to say what those specifically are, haha).  At this point of the year, I have learned that life is about "change."  And change is sometimes a fucking bitch and terribly hard to deal with.  But it is what you choose to make with those changing moments that is important. 

"Life conspires to give us what we need, but it always maintains that middle ground. There is no right decision. Simply the decision you make. We always find a way to walk away with what we need. And sometimes what we need actually is what we want, whether we see it at first or not."

• Happy New Year.  (and bring it on!)
  
• Love, Frank :)